In the last hour,

I only thought about you

thirteen

(and a half)

times.

Twice, I though of your legs – a skirt flowing around your thighs, or when they’re clad in jeans or just soft glowing skin (god). The way your knees touch when you’re in the car

                         -but then I stopped thinking of your legs, the shape of your thighs, the curve of the back of your knee – because my attention slips quickly, quietly to the bend of your spine and down your backside – and I get so easily distracted there, so I try not to think too often of your lovely legs.

Three times, I thought of your luminous smile, the way your cheek feels like silk, like velvet, like ice cream melting against my lips.

Once I thought about twirling you on a dance floor, leading you in a turn, your hand in mine, circling around each other until we come back together and I can kiss you as I hold you close and dip you low.

Twice, I though about the curve of your hips, the bone of your pelvis and how it fits next to mine like puzzle pieces, like the cap of a pen clicking onto the barrel.

Once, I thought of that look you give me from across the room, which says “take me, I’m yours and I love you and I wish you were in my arms and I want to feel you everywhere” (or maybe that’s just what my look said) and it makes me want to jump, dive, claw my way over to you, pushing the air out of the way so I can taste you, put my hands on your skin, hear you gasp, breathe into my ear, feel you tremble and pull me closer.

Once, I thought of the way your fingertips feel on my thigh or the small of my back, and the way you leave them there while we sit with friends.

Twice, I thought of that way you laugh when you’re nervous, halted and slow, while your eyes dance, searching for something you can recognize.

Once I visualized you in a rocking chair, a homemade afghan wrapped around the baby you are cradling, cooing soft syllables, and then you look up at me, almost in awe of the beauty of the creature in your arms, our baby, our new love – I’m not quite sure what it was, but you looked at me and I wanted to lasso the moon for you.  I wanted to sing to you, wanted to see that look again and again – what can I do to possibly get you to look at me like that; I would do anything.

Then I thought of all the things I’ve said to you, all the ways I want to tell you I adore you, I desire you, I want to know you, to hold you, to watch you grow. I want to hold my hands like stirrups so you can step in, hands on my shoulders so you’ll be able to reach that windowsill two floors up – and that was maybe more about me, but half about you too, because you’re holding your own and you’re holding me and we match, blend, mix together, two very different colors coming together to form a brand new paint for the walls – a brand new color together.

Thirteen

and a half

times

isn’t very many

considering how many hours

your magic,

your melodic voice

your sweet smile,

your raw insights

have taken flight,

making nests

inside my canopies

settling in hour after hour

after hour.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

Your every word

caresses my mind

with fingers fit

for a piano’s keys,

playing sighs

from my soul,

with hushed notes

enticing me

in the night.

Violin strings

lay over my desire -

you place your bow

drawing across them,

pulling notes

effortlessly

with alluring darkness

that resonates

from your being.

Create with me a flow

of tones and melodies

so sweet as to

cause weeping,

so intense

it infuses

sound

into my being.

Wrap me

in the exquisite velvet

of your midnight-hued music,

and make me sing

your name forever.

I dare you.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

Broken wings crumble,

crusty tears dry on my cheeks.

Just keep on pretending -

swallow yourself in lies.

It’ll all be okay -

they’ll never know

and

it’ll all be okay

My throat closes -

swallow down the lump,

the broken hearted promises

that never last.

It’ll all be okay;

just tell the lies.

It’ll all be okay

Mental suffocation;

don’t break your concentration.

They all keep on pretending

that it’s all okay

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

I’m tracing my fingers along your back again -

small circles

from shoulder blades down,

because it eases your mind,

helps you sleep away your troubles -

you always told me so.

I remember,

somewhere in my mind,

and yes,

even in my heart.

I know it’s not my place anymore

but old habits do die hard

and this is one I always loved.

Little girl smiling with deep brown eyes -

I wish you didn’t hold

this unbreakable bond

that ties you to my soul - 

I think you might always clutch pieces of me

tight in your hand,

never letting go.

Maybe you should let me go

guilt free -

for holding my end of the twine of promise

passed between us one June night.

Or maybe it was November;

that’s when I found your heart

and you promised to keep mine safe.

I have loved you

with an eternal flame of love

but I want to be happy again.

Not sitting on our rock

by the lake,

alone,

still smelling your scent,

feeling your touch…

the way you always seemed to be touching me

even when I was mad

or you were lost in thought.

Not laying across a bench

in that grove of trees

with my car doors open,

Nails in the cd player,

remembering sweet kisses,

and private laughs,

my free-falling tears

of everything we should have been

together

I wish you were here

just so I could tell you to go

because I feel it’s my right

to be the one to say goodbye.

And this death grip your smile,

your eyes,

your voice,

this grasp you have on me -

I want to be the one to break it

the way you broke my heart

with every lie

with every push

that kept me away -

that kept me from asking questions.

So I think I should stop those circles

and I think I should forget you at 3 am

and I think I should stop loving you

this all consuming way

And I think I could let you go

maybe.

Maybe

I will never let you back in.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

Beautifully, I sustain you within my heart,

loving unconditionally – even so far apart.

Timeless, the spell your dark eyes cast on me,

your fragrance I still smell, closing my eyes just to be

within you for a moment….

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

I had given into my facade

in hopes of never returning to myself again.

I wore my hope loosely around my wrist,

tattered and slightly fading with age,

my heart washed in the memories and reveries –

the cool summer air gently brushing against my face,

the rushing sound of a babbling brook

(that sound still brings a smile to my lips)

in the distant fairy tale woods.

I had given into the fact that leaves do fall sometimes,

the chill Autumn air biting at them like a black asp.

Its poison creeps through – white fire

until Winter’s glare

captures us all in his icy grasp.

I also know that once in Winter’s hands,

something in you dies.

Sometimes all of you dies.

I had given into the shadow,

the darkness covering the scorn and pain

upon my face, (apathy is but a whispered memory)

blanketing me in a lonesome mask of mistrusting silence.

No blemishes on my soul are visible

within the darkness I cast myself so thoughtlessly,

but pain still parades around these invisible scars.

When I realized that I was given a body and mind so wrong,

so useless and flawed,

I noticed a tree outside, struggling to survive.

I can only wish, hope, for the strength to stand

without leaning on anyone, anything.

I could only feel sorry for the tree.

I had given into myself, (flawed)

I was given a glimpse of my soul. (empty)

I had given into the pain. (torture)

I was given life.

I will find the strength.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

Truth makes its own kind of music;

notes that are clean and pure that speak to the soul.

Truth does not put on airs;

she is simple and straight-forward.

Truth is quiet and understated;

she requires no boasting or theatrics.

Truth enters the room bare-chested;

she displays Honesty and Sincerity on each arm.

Sniveling Lies scratch around the baseboards;

they’re squirming and looking to escape.

Truth is a wife of many years;

she always gives of herself passionately and unconditionally.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

I run my finger over the engraving

on the simple silver band -

the silver band you put on my ring finger

when you picked me up at that bus stop.

I was tired and haggard,

and you wrapped your arms around me,

pulled me to you,

kissed me gently,

and slipped the ring on my finger -

that seems like forever ago.

and now we lie together in your bed -

we fit together,

your arms wrapped around me,

one under my neck,

the other draped just under my chest -

your arms like the ring,

snug but comfortable,

perfect.

Our legs entwined,

your breathing deep and slow with sleep,

while I lay here

with you in my arms,

stroking the words on a simple silver ring -

“Fear Not.”

And as long as I can wake

in the middle of the night with your arms around me,

I won’t fear.

As long as I have your strength wrapped around me,

like the ring wrapped around my finger,

I will know no fear.

Fear Not.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

You were always there

to tear me down.

When no one else

would break my dreams,

I could always

count on you.

I aspired to things of beauty

and simplicity

though you would have me see

that those were

things that I couldn’t be -

your negativity destroying me,

my hopes and dreams

quietly abandoning me.

You ripped my ambitions

so dearly from me,

and replaced them

with cold falseness,

giving life

to my nightmares.

I wished only normal dreams

and days of simplicity,

yet you filled my life

with complex equations

I have yet to solve.

I could count on you -

even just the though of you -

when I needed pain;

when life was too good

you would wave your

magic wand leaving

demons for me to find.

I could always count on you

to bring me down.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)

Just saying something

doesn’t make it true.

I might assure

that I’m over you,

but can’t stop thinking

that without you,

I’m worthless.

I just think of your smile,

I stop breathing for your eyes,

I’d tremble for a glance,

for a kiss,

for the most tender touch -

but you

have

found

someone

better.

valeriemarie

(Source: insomniapoetry)